I am not sure that I will ever be less paranoid. I had a 'snack' today.. a bowl of cereal at almost midnight that I guess I didn't need but maybe just wanted. I automatically put up barriers and got defensive when my other half asked "You're still hungry?'.. I think when people say keep your weight loss as a secret it's one of the best pieces of advice.. you never feel as if you are off the hook when people know that you're trying to slim down.. you feel constantly judged for the choices you make. It's not a fun place to be.
Going out for an Indian I tried to make wise choices, naan bread with no butter, chicken tikka and one seekh kebab. Hadn't really had breakfast (unless you count a banana pre-run at 11 am), but I still have this dislike of going to places where I don't know how much things are, the calorie count, the method of cooking. It makes me nervous, I won't lie. I want to stop thinking like this, I don't know how. I miss having my little sister around and feel as if what Simone said was right, that J is a bad influence, consciously or subconsciously, that his influence doesn't do me any favours. Of course he will argue that he is doing nothing wrong, it's myself..and to a degree it is. What's stupid is that it's not even that he makes me feel fat, every day he has been telling me that I am beautiful, slim etc. I don't know whats wrong with me. Perhaps just in a stupid funk.
-sigh- Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I finished week 5 of my c210K training..tomorrow I do a 5 minute warm up followed by alternating 4 10 minute runs with 1 minute walks and then another 5 minute cooldown.. which totals a 40 min run and 13 minutes of walking. The idea is that at the end i'll be able to run 60 minutes continuously..errrrr not sure about that but I will persevere..
Off to bed now where I will probably lie awake feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I am so obsessed! arrrrgh xx
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
In a dilemma...
Okay.. so. Updates.
I have been a good little gymbunny, working out regularly.. this week I ran in the park twice (today and on Monday).. and went to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday, giving myself a break day on Wednesday, as it was rainy and cold and I was stressed out with everything that's been going on this week.
I'm still all over the place weight management wise, as the weight didn't budge as we know on Wednesday. I've decided to make two changes. I've started the calorie cycling and am on my third (fourth?) day now.. so I've had two high days and two or one low day..maybe it's been three days.. with exercising on all days.. I'm not really sure if it will work but it's sorta like something I did when I was on WeightWatchers - alternating the amount of points I had each day.
Speaking of WW, I'm seriously tempted about starting back.. I know the point of this blog is to become slim WITHOUT a diet, with something that is compatible with daily life, and I know I got super paranoid counting points..and that's what I didn't want. Though maybe that's just my personality..as I am now fairly paranoid counting calories.. I do cut myself slack if I'm a little over or under though. Maybe it's because points are worth so much more than 50-100 cal here or there.. Hmmm. This new plan on WW takes into account protein and the fact that your body works harder to digest it, and higher protein foods have less points.. Anyway a close friend started on it last week and has her first weigh in tomorrow so hopefully she will be honest and tell me what her results are.. the jury is still out.
The other change I made, well, only an hour ago, was to start drinking protein shakes again. I've been working out a lot with resistance training too, lifting weights, squats, crunches etc.. and I find that I'm not really as hungry around meal time. Breakfast tends to be cereal, maybe with some toast if I have a busy morning, lunch is something light and dinner is usually salmon or chicken with vegetables.. So I find myself having lots of calories left over, and thus I pick at low-cal snacks. Which is stupid in a way because I can put away a bag of skinny popcorn, a low cal cupcake, a blueberry and yoghurt bar.. what's the difference in that compared to just eating one really satisfying lemon and poppyseed muffin instead?!?.. anyway the point is, I guess I am eating a lot of junk instead of real food. I do eat a banana or some other fruit here or there..
The protein shakes are about 180 calories each, a little bit more if I mix them with a yoghurt to make a sort of smoothie.. I've been thinking about substituting them for the junk instead. I bought them a while ago and I may as well finish them.. -sigh- I don't know.. I guess I will keep at these two changes at least for two weeks to see if they make any difference.
On the plus side I tried on a few outfits today that wouldn't have fit me a while ago and was loving the way they looked. As it's still fairly cold here it's mainly jeans and hoody weather or bulky coats at least, but come summer time I'm ready to be taken out with all my outfits I have planned :)
Anyhoo that's all I can think of now, maybe more tomorrow or very soon :) xx
I have been a good little gymbunny, working out regularly.. this week I ran in the park twice (today and on Monday).. and went to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday, giving myself a break day on Wednesday, as it was rainy and cold and I was stressed out with everything that's been going on this week.
I'm still all over the place weight management wise, as the weight didn't budge as we know on Wednesday. I've decided to make two changes. I've started the calorie cycling and am on my third (fourth?) day now.. so I've had two high days and two or one low day..maybe it's been three days.. with exercising on all days.. I'm not really sure if it will work but it's sorta like something I did when I was on WeightWatchers - alternating the amount of points I had each day.
Speaking of WW, I'm seriously tempted about starting back.. I know the point of this blog is to become slim WITHOUT a diet, with something that is compatible with daily life, and I know I got super paranoid counting points..and that's what I didn't want. Though maybe that's just my personality..as I am now fairly paranoid counting calories.. I do cut myself slack if I'm a little over or under though. Maybe it's because points are worth so much more than 50-100 cal here or there.. Hmmm. This new plan on WW takes into account protein and the fact that your body works harder to digest it, and higher protein foods have less points.. Anyway a close friend started on it last week and has her first weigh in tomorrow so hopefully she will be honest and tell me what her results are.. the jury is still out.
The other change I made, well, only an hour ago, was to start drinking protein shakes again. I've been working out a lot with resistance training too, lifting weights, squats, crunches etc.. and I find that I'm not really as hungry around meal time. Breakfast tends to be cereal, maybe with some toast if I have a busy morning, lunch is something light and dinner is usually salmon or chicken with vegetables.. So I find myself having lots of calories left over, and thus I pick at low-cal snacks. Which is stupid in a way because I can put away a bag of skinny popcorn, a low cal cupcake, a blueberry and yoghurt bar.. what's the difference in that compared to just eating one really satisfying lemon and poppyseed muffin instead?!?.. anyway the point is, I guess I am eating a lot of junk instead of real food. I do eat a banana or some other fruit here or there..
The protein shakes are about 180 calories each, a little bit more if I mix them with a yoghurt to make a sort of smoothie.. I've been thinking about substituting them for the junk instead. I bought them a while ago and I may as well finish them.. -sigh- I don't know.. I guess I will keep at these two changes at least for two weeks to see if they make any difference.
On the plus side I tried on a few outfits today that wouldn't have fit me a while ago and was loving the way they looked. As it's still fairly cold here it's mainly jeans and hoody weather or bulky coats at least, but come summer time I'm ready to be taken out with all my outfits I have planned :)
Anyhoo that's all I can think of now, maybe more tomorrow or very soon :) xx
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Trying to lose weight makes me hate myself..
Yes.. it's true.
Having jumped on the scale for the second week in the row and stayed the same, despite all my best efforts, I felt rubbish. I know all the things that should have been running through my mind..
A) Staying the same is better than gaining weight
B) I -did- eat out all week practically and eat whatever I wanted too.. bubble tea.. haagen dazs.. lots of starbucks..
C) I'm not fat why the preoccupation with losing weight..?!?
It just p*sses me off more.. It's taking over my life, I know it shouldn't.. I don't know how to stop though. It's depressing.. plus what with everything else that's gone on this week - family stress, Juneid's LMO not coming through - I don't have time to really focus on myself and thinking straight. I feel like I've done things the right way, working out.. I guess if I am truly honest with myself I could have spent my calories on healthier options, instead of eating a lot of sweet stuff.. proper real food? Maybe that's the way forward.. to eat homecooked non-processed junk, and see if it makes a difference. With the studying it's so tempting to snack though..
Anyway I don't really feel like writing more about this today.. I'm just going to post in a couple of days I guess. On a bit of a downer and don't want it to be contagious.. xx
Having jumped on the scale for the second week in the row and stayed the same, despite all my best efforts, I felt rubbish. I know all the things that should have been running through my mind..
A) Staying the same is better than gaining weight
B) I -did- eat out all week practically and eat whatever I wanted too.. bubble tea.. haagen dazs.. lots of starbucks..
C) I'm not fat why the preoccupation with losing weight..?!?
It just p*sses me off more.. It's taking over my life, I know it shouldn't.. I don't know how to stop though. It's depressing.. plus what with everything else that's gone on this week - family stress, Juneid's LMO not coming through - I don't have time to really focus on myself and thinking straight. I feel like I've done things the right way, working out.. I guess if I am truly honest with myself I could have spent my calories on healthier options, instead of eating a lot of sweet stuff.. proper real food? Maybe that's the way forward.. to eat homecooked non-processed junk, and see if it makes a difference. With the studying it's so tempting to snack though..
Anyway I don't really feel like writing more about this today.. I'm just going to post in a couple of days I guess. On a bit of a downer and don't want it to be contagious.. xx
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