Hating DHL.

Hate is a strong word, yes. But at 4:05 pm, having waited all day for this bl**dy parcel to come, I'm pretty sure it's the right word to go with.

The story goes.. Thursday, parcel came. I was at the gym. Rearranged for delivery for Friday. Waited all day. Went nowhere. Phoned up DHL at 4:45.. they said the parcel was still on it's way and that I should call back at 5:30 to check status on order. Phoned 45 minutes later. Apparently the incompetent mother of a driver who delivered my parcel on Friday said he couldn't find the address.. Even though they a) attempted delivery the previous day and left a card and b) had my number to call, no parcel came. Gym closed at 4 on Friday and so didn't go and felt guilty all weekend. Decided to myself I'd be smart and go this morning. Only, come 1 am I couldn't sleep. Until 6. So needless to say I didn't wake up until 10. By which time they should have been on their way. Only, clearly, they weren't.

J went to the gym at 2 and I was considering going, but we decided I'd be so annoyed at myself if the parcel did in fact come while I was away. So I stayed. But now it's 4:09 and I could definitely have squeezed in a run and gotten there and back in the time I wasted doing bits and bobs at home waiting for this parcel. Eeeeeeeek. Can you sense the frustration?!?! Normally it wouldn't be a train wreck but what with New Year's this week and AllyG arriving at 9:30 not 12 as I had thought a workout tomorrow morning is going to be pretty tight especially if I don't sleep tonight. I tried the lavender mask.. it didn't work. No, in fact it was uncomfortable - I know it looks all posh and pretty and satiny but how people actually sleep with those things is beyond me!

Anyway I sit and wait here, I have gotten into my gym gear in preparation and packed my gym bag so that if this goddawful parcel comes in the next 49 minutes I can sign for it and go. If not J should be home by 5 and then I can leave him to it. At this rate I won't be getting home before 7 though.. I think once I have gotten my three sessions in I will be calm, but I've done so well so far (3rd week, have been at least 3 times the past two weeks and already been twice this week) that I don't want to give up.. especially with the family drama there's a lot of stress that needs to be unleashed on that treadmill.. it's been 2.5 months since my last seizure and I really really don't want to be having one soon so I need those endorphins desperately! Too bad DHL doesn't seem to care :(

Really what I need now is some form of meditation but it's never really been my thing.. my mind always wanders :/ Where is that damn little yellow truck when I need it?!?

Feeling rather pleased with myself :)

Why you may ask?

Well ladies :) Yesterday after running my 10.5 K at the gym, I went off to Westfield shopping mall to meet up with J's cousins and siblings.. it was -PACKED-..as in.. -cantmoveorevengointoashoptobuyabottleofwaterPACKED-. I tried to get myself a post workout snack at Boots but after seeing the queue (yes Chelsie, it's a word) in Boots I abandoned my basket. I can always get Salt and Vinegar spirals another time.. even if they are only 73 calories per packet.. hmm. Anyway, too late now. Later on when I tried to go back to get a drink while I waited for dinner time, EVERYTHING was sold out. I was completely put off shopping, and, let's face it, I didn't actually -need- anything, so we went for dinner early.

Dinner was a halaal steakhouse that is fairly new.. the same place I went to a couple of months ago with J where he managed to scoff down 900 g of meat (sorry if you're freaking out again Chels).. anyway I was wavering between the 200 g and 300 g.. decided on a 200g fillet with scallops, asparagus and a side salad. And was pleasantly full. Just as well, because when I got home and logged it on my livestrong profile I found out that an extra 100g of fillet - which would have been too much and was essentially a case of greed - would have cost me almost 200 calories (191 to be exact) extra. Not worth it! I guess seeing as I had worked out so much it wouldn't have been a disaster at all, but as the long term goal is learning moderation, I'm glad I managed to reign myself in. :)

Today I had a fairly relaxed day, went grocery shopping and then popped in to the in laws to wish them a happy 30th anniversary. Having got home I had a quick snack of a wholewheat English muffin with Weightwatchers baked beans (surprisingly tasty, don't knock it till you've tried it.. Amanullah had a bite of mine and loved it...and we all know how anti low-fat he is)..and then headed off to the gym. Only managed a 9K today but did some incline brisk walking too and gentle incline jogging to try and mix it up :)

Dinner was a lovely grilled chilli salmon with some butternut squash and cous cous..and then to treat myself I had some custard.. mmmm just what you need for a cold winter night :) I am so looking forward to seeing my little babies verrrry soon.. poor Ally has a long long list of treats to get me (lined paper, files.. my right boot) and I don't envy her. I'm still contemplating whether or not I should haul a** and get to the gym before the flight gets in around 10:30 or a lovely lie-in.. hmmm.

All in all, a good day food and exercise wise.. only downfall was probably sleeping in too late till 11.. need to get a routine sorted especially seeing as I have to start studying for exams soon.

And because I know y'all love Usher's OMG, maybe google/Youtube Homer Simpson's christmas song.. it's being linked to OMG with speculation that well, perhaps Usher stole the idea from the Simpsons.. I've just heard it on J's laptop and it does sound kinda dodgy....Uhoh.

More tomorrow.

Lubja x

Back to normal :)

Hello lovelies,

The Christmas weekend is over, the gym is open and normality has been restored. Yesterday was much much better than the day prior to that with my eating binge.. I woke up pretty late around midday, had some grilled chicken salad again for lunch.. got to my in laws around 5 and then had some chicken curry with pita and salad for dinner.. not exactly sure what that totalled in at but figure it met within my limit as I didn't snack on rubbish and just treated myself to a nice big cup of coffee :)

Feeling a bit sluggish having not worked out for a few days, I decided to try out the pink skipping rope I'd planned on giving my mother in law for Secret Santa - but couldn't due to my exceeding my budget - apparently. Anyway at first it unhooked itself which made me glad I -didn't- give it to her (would not have been a good reflection)..but I managed to fix it and away I went. 1000 skips and 28 minutes later I was sweaty, breathless and exhausted. Probably something I need to build myself up at but definitely a good workout, after all Katy Perry swears by it.. I kept tripping myself up though so I guess practice is going to be needed to make it perfect so I can go for it all Rocky-style... one day kids, one day.

So after a very long and exhausting day that included us playing the Apprentice (my team won but I got fired..apparently because my sister in law was the other team manager and my father in law felt it not right to hire either of us) as well as a game called Logo that turned VERY tense, I finally got to bed at 3. Woke up at 12 and had some cereal and an Alpen bar, waiting for it to digest and then I'm on my way to the gym with Juneid and his cousin, and then off to Westfield.. why exactly I'm not sure but probably just for dinner or something. Only a few more days till my little angels arrive and I am verrrrrry excited to see them :) (You know who you are)

Anyway time is ticking, I have to get ready so I'll check in a little bit later x

As always, thanks for listening :)

Food Hangover

Ahhhhh Christmas.

I did well yesterday - or - started to. I went over to the in-laws and there was an array of food.. grilled chicken, roast beef, gravy, yorkshire puddings, roast potatoes, parsnips, brussel sprouts, baby carrots, spinach.. salad (my contribution).. rice.. naan.. I'm sure I am leaving out some things.. let's just say the table was heaving. My strategy was to bring salad which I then piled my plate high with, and had a small piece of roast beef, a couple of yorkshire puddings and loadsa steamed veg. So far so good.

Dessert - mango cheesecake, new york cheesecake, molten chocolate pudding, mince pies, pavlova.. I steered clear, had a big cup of tea - I was after all stuffed on salad and veg tbh and there was nothing really healthy-eating friendly.. and it really was a case of out of sight out of mind. I even managed to resist the pringles and walker's sensations as well as the big chocolate tin of Roses I'd bought (4 months chocolate free my friends)..

So why is it when I got home (J dropped me and went back for some boy time with his cousins as they planned a long one and I needed my rest).. I found myself scoffing things I didn't even really want? It started off with a bag of skinny popcorn, then another. Then a packet of sunchips. Then a solero. Then, I am ashamed to say, 2 Eat Natural bars and a bag of cheetos.

At the end of it I felt sick. Damage wise I think I totalled 2300 calories give or take. Not a train wreck given I should be eating about 1900 calories a day and I've been eating healthily and working out the rest of the week, but an unnecessary binge, and something I haven't done in a long long time. I feel a little bit annoyed at myself yes, but I'm not going to make myself feel guilty. Because everyone has one of 'those' days..where you sorta lose the plot. It's kinda expected on Christmas. And, well, in the past I would have done the same thing but NOT exercised. Having been three times this week and planning a nice run tomorrow I am not going to beat myself up about this, because thats not what this process is about.

The positive thing? How cr*p I felt when I woke up. I felt bloated and dehydrated.. probably from all that sodium, and just generally rubbish. It was like I had a food hangover. Granted, not nearly as bad as a normal hangover.. I wasn't about to throw up and the room wasn't spinning or anything, but rubbish enough I hope, to not do it again.

I received some compliments yesterday about how good I was looking which felt great.. I know Ally is worried about me, I love you for that, but don't. I won't let myself look scary or go below a healthy BMI. I'm going to focus more on toning, an amount of cardio thats enough to keep my body healthy and strength training.. because, well, at MY AGE I need to start doing some weights to prevent loss of bone mass... or I'll get osteoporosis right baby? After all, my sixties are just around the corner :P

I'm not proud about yesterday, but I've learnt something. And in the end thats what matters more than a temporary jump on the scale.

Thanks for listening :)

A stern talk..

The thing about reading this blog for some of you I fear, is that it will be very frustrating. I started it just over a week ago and I had huge aspirations about becoming normal, thinking like a non-crazy person and cultivating a beautiful relationship with food. While I had no illusions that this would happen overnight, I guess over the first week I did think to myself, 'Hey, this is kinda easy..maybe I am on a winning streak'..

BUT then.. (and there is always a but)..
I stayed the same. Weight that is. And the alarm bells start to ring. And I go back to being paranoid..

See, I hadn't minded that my weight hadn't changed since last Wednesday, I thought, well I haven't been to the bathroom in a long time (TMI I know but to be fair I have already discussed it this week).. so I decided to take a laxative because, well folks, a week is a LONG time. And then, once I had been up a fair few hours of the night, was my reward a pound or two lighter? (Despite what I've written about it merely being water weight part of me secretly wanted to see the scale at least a little bit lighter).. no, in fact, I was the same. EXACTLY the same. To the decimal point. Now, either my scale hates me or is broken or my body just refuses to budge. Pardon me for being a little bit p*ssed off, but I had run 41.5 km this week, watched what I'd eaten, perhaps even eaten too little.. I expected some results. After I stepped on the scale 3, yes THREE times, I lay myself down on the bed and gave myself a talking to.

It went along the lines of..

a) You are a crazy neurotic b*tch
b) Scales don't mean anything (still trying to work myself into believing this one.. I think I get there and a few days later I change my mind and refuse to believe it)
c) The aim of this blog is to change the crazy neuroticb*tch like way of thinking
d) Even if you HAVE gained a lb, or not lost, well, you're not even near oevrweight, you're not in a rush to lose weight for some event - after all my lovely Pucci is very flattering - so calm the f*ck down.

Eventually I felt that bit better..I have to confess I started writing this post a few days ago and didn't get a chance to finish it mainly because it was my bday (yay) and I was shopping the day before that (Lots and lots of yay moments that day).. but I did eventually go to the bathroom, and of course the paranoia was still there as I weighed myself. And had lost a lb. It may have been water weight though (damnit), because it was back again at 4 am when I couldn't sleep and despite my hardest attempt -notto- weighed myself ..only to find I had gained it back. Oh damn.

Well.. maybe I should weigh myself less.. like.. once every two weeks instead of once a week? Thoughts? There are only a handful of you that read this so you can get hold of me and let me know what you think. It's Christmas today so I best get up.. my attempts to bring something healthy to the table.. ie a salad that I planned on making pretty exciting were thwarted because apparently 'No one will eat it'.. is it too neurotic to make my own little salad and take it with me? I might just do that.. hmmm..

Okay best to go, will maybe post later. I love you little ladies that read me. Merry Xmas. x

Feeling good :)

So... I tried on the dress yesterday, it fit like a dream.. I tried on a few others too but they were very fitted, with ruching that did not do my a** any favours.. and I thought, well with 19 days to go, am I going to get a dress I love that already fits, or am I going to get a dress that is lovely that -Ijustneedtoloseacoupleofpoundstofitinto-.. Umm it was a no-brainer.

I've made my resolution to not buy things I don't fit into.. something I am extremely guilty of in the past - I returned the dress today that I'd ordered last week.. a) Because it wasn't that hot anyway and b) Because it didn't zip up the side and with my birthday, Christmas and new year's all in the space of the week I just wasn't going to put myself through that mental torture of trying to lose those few pounds!

I mentioned I've been using the livestrong website, and though I mainly write here I've met a few people on there too who have given such great tips and suggestions. When I first signed on I put myself down to have a goal of losing 1.5 lbs a week. The LS tracker told me that I'd then need to eat 1200 calories a day. However, instead of that being too little, it was actually too much, especially on days when I was exercising and working off at least 600 calories a day. The effect was that on the days I exercised, I wouldn't eat extra and that would mean that the total amount of calories my body took in was only 600 calories.. enough to put me in starvation mode.. and probably the reason I didn't shift anything this week - boo.

1200 is supposedly the absolute minimum you're supposed to take in before your body puts itself into starvation. And I definitely didn't want to do that, it was going to slow me down and basically have the opposite effect that I wanted it to.. ie gain/hold onto weight instead of losing it! So, readers, I was radical. I changed my goal to losing just the one pound a week (still very respectable), and that puts me at 1450 calories a day. I probably won't be able to eat an extra 600 calories a day, especially while I am trying to eat healthily..and weirdly enough exercise makes me less hungry now - I'm actually full at 1200 - but I will know that at least if I'm aiming for 1450 calories I will be able to eat 400 extra to at least take me to 1200, the minimum. So I won't starve :)

It's my birthday this week, I'm going to get my a** to the gym to allow for that tasty meal on Thursday night.. and in preparation for Christmas day with the in laws.. at least my no chocolate ban means I'll be safe from the Quality Street, Toblerone and Celebrations boxes.. :/

I also met a personal best today at the gym for that 10K.. It usually takes me more than twice the time to do a 10K than the time it takes to do a 5K.. perhaps because I get fatigued and the last half is a bit harder? But today I did some intervals and cranked it up to meet 65 minutes. I'd like to get it under an hour though.. I'm going to try and convince Ally to do a 10K with me next year instead of a 5K.. and Ally..baby.. if you're reading this.. don't say you haven't been warned :D Best go get those runners on bebe.. ;)

Till next time ladies xx

A scary realisation but all round good day :)

So it's been a while since I have posted, it's not that I haven't meant to but I guess things got in the way.. I've been pretty good actually, this week I managed to get into the gym three times and run 10 K each time, varying the pace so that my body doesn't get used to it, and I've been eating healthily so it's been a good first week :)

The title relates to laxative abuse.. I think I mentioned at some point that I have had a bit of err trouble which is probably related to my IBS which I had anyway, and have been taking Dulcolax.. I've found myself somewhat reluctant though to weigh myself unless I've well, taken the dulco and it's worked.. anyway I thought my behaviour was a little bit strange, and remember having read about laxative abuse.. so I researched it. The good news is that well laxative abusers take about 20 pills a day, the max I have taken is about 2 twice a week, so I'm nowhere near to the level of abuse.. but the thought process behind it.. ie that it will make me lighter before I weigh myself, has some similarities. I know that those who abuse it falsely believe that if they take a laxative straight after a binge they won't put on weight, in that they use it as another method of purging.. now as a medic I know that to not be true.. however the weight that I perceive myself to be post laxative is really just water weight.. so there's no point.

The other thing is that the long term effects of laxatives - rebound constipation and permanent damage to your digestive system, in that it might not ever work without ..'help'.. as well as many other scary things, were enough to make me decide to not take them again.. at least not for the purpose I was thinking of. Instead I am upping my fluids, putting time in at the gym and eating lots of fruit and veg :) I even treated myself to an Original Glazed Krispy Kreme, which I hadn't had in absolute ages, a few days ago.. thoroughly enjoyed it, and for 190 calories I didn't feel guilty at all.. it's all about moderation right?

I dragged myself to the gym in the snow today, and was so reluctant to go, but knew if I went I'd feel so much better.. and I did. Even though it was hard initially to push myself through that workout.. I contemplated doing a 5K only, then a 7.5 K... then finally managed to do the 10K and it felt like a serious achievement! I am proud :)

While I'd like to get to going to the gym 5 times a week, three times in 5 days has been boding pretty well and I'd be happy with myself, especially in exam times, to go 4 times for an intense cardio session, with perhaps a bit of yoga inbetween. Having said that I am still awaiting my first session and am a little bit confused as to what to wear.. do I go barefoot.. take my shoes off when I get there.. bring my own mat? Will either have to ask around or phone up the gym.. as it is I have a feeling I am going to look like a bit of an idiot compared to all the toned enlightened ladies next to me whilst attempting the poses, I might as well be dressed to fit in even if I stick out like a sore thumb in other respects :-(

Tomorrow I am going to try on a dress potentially for Naz's wedding.. fingers crossed I look good.. I bought a dress that was a size 2.. which apparently corresponds to UK 10 for that style of sizing.. and it didn't zip all the way up.. naturally I felt bad but I am not going to keep it.. 'in the hope that I lose enough weight'.. as I would have done previously.. let's face it, it didn't zip up at my rib cage which is already a bit bony atm, I doubt I can lose weight there.. it's the cut and style of the dress.. it's not that I'm fat.. I have made peace with it, and that's kinda a big step for me.. here's to more :)

A pleasant surprise :)

So.. I was very sceptical and slightly worried about the results of going back to a normal diet after being carb free for 2 weeks. I weighed myself this morning, one week after I decided to change my eating habits and had that epiphany.. and pleasantly surprised is an understatement!

I worked out yesterday, running 10.5 km and eating healthily, and I've carried on the good eating habits I started to employ last week, eating slowly, chewing properly, sitting down and trying to avoid wolfing down my food!.. it takes me a lot longer to finish a piece of toast ;) Though at times I find it a little bit tedious I know after a while it will become second nature and it will be worth it.. I was over the moon this morning when I looked at the scale, but will try my level best not to look for another week, maybe till my birthday, because I know weight fluctuates due to water levels and I don't want to get disheartened if the scale creeps up even a little bit, even if its a fraction of a pound.. (I'm obsessive like that)!

I have gotten great tips from people on the www.livestrong.com website, about eating more when I work out a lot - though I did struggle to eat 600 extra calories yesterday and guiltily didn't end up doing it - if I undereat then I will end up slowing down my metabolism and losing less.. you eat too much.. you gain weight..you eat too little.. you gain weight.. I feel like Goldilocks.. when will I get it just right!

Tonight lunch consisted of cassava and cheerios, not a nutritionally balanced lunch but I was at the cinema.. I'm thinking perhaps salmon tonight with some spinach salad and maybe a yoghurt or some fruit for dessert.. when I think about the long term goal it doesn't seem like so much of a sacrifice.. let's hope next week's weigh in will give me a good pay-off.. it will be my birthday after all!

Going to try and squeeze in a gym session tomorrow before I meet my friend, it will mean waking up early but I know I'll feel a lot better about myself if I go.. worst case scenario maybe a run in the park beforehand.. wish me luck :)

Back in London

So it's my first full day back in London, I arrived yesterday morning and slept through most of my day, and meals weren't exactly balanced..a homemade chicken sandwich for breakfast, lunch was a bowl of Cheerios at four, and supper was all over the place, an egg white omelette (lovingly prepared by the resident expert in our home), a veggie burger, and a piece of toast.. and randomly some jalapeno peppers.

This morning I am sadly back to my ways of sorts, I have weighed myself and find myself to be just under a pound and a half heavier than the weight I was just before I went to Canada 10 days ago.. I suspect it's more the fact that I haven't been to the bathroom (TMI? Dad reckons I don't eat enough)..and the reintroduction of carbohydrates to my body. I am desperately fighting between the thoughts running through my mind.. (You weight x amount.. just deal with it, it's normal, it's FINE, I'm still thin)..and the person I am trying to fight inside ('Well, really, seeing as I haven't been to the bathroom I probably weigh at least a pound less - I told you it was TMI - I'm even thinner').. I feel it serves me right, I downed half a bottle of a laxative last night in a bid to make sure I went to the bathroom this morning, thus achieving my 'true weight'.. of course, it tasted vile and didn't work.

However, I am making a concerted effort to be a big girl about it and accept the reality. This is how much I am. I am going to go to the gym today, as well as to the grocery store, and plan on stocking up on some fruit and veg and healthy whole grains.. and I am going to take each day as it comes. I have had some bad news and have an exam to study for in May.. I've given myself three weeks (until after my brother's wedding in the first week of Jan)..and then a strict studying regime needs to begin.. and I need to have the energy and discipline to carry through with it.. let's face it, a no carb extreme-restriction diet is just not going to cut it.. I need to prioritise.

I also don't need the emotional baggage that comes with stuffing my face while studying and then regretting it later.. I am going to try and work in, over the next few weeks, a reasonable, maintainable exercise schedule.. I figure it will help clear my mind while studying too. I'm aiming for 1 hour 4-5 times a week, maybe a half hour walk around the local park on the days that I can't get to the gym, just to clear my head. The recommendation is that we move our bodies at least half an hour a day so I figure that way I am at least getting my allotted time each day :)

I guess I wasn't wrong when I said it was going to be a bit of struggle to get my thoughts back to normal, clearly today is evidence of that -but hopefully I will get there.. I'm trying to stop the negative thoughts before they take hold and eventually one day they will stop altogether - hopefully thats not wishful thinking.

Have I underestimated the task at hand?

So now I'm on day three.. so far so good.. I've tried to keep portions small and eat slowly.. it took me a good five minutes to finish a piece and a half of toast this morning.. granted by the time I was done it was cold (which I hate) but at least I didn't wolf it down like usual.

I'm still trying to ease myself into making healthy choices and not letting food pushers influence me too much.. but it does feel liberating to not have to keep refusing everything because of my crazy no-carb no-dairy high-fat diet.. I will probably jump on the scales on Tuesday when I'm back in London to see where I am, and then again in a few weeks just to make sure that this method of eating is not going the other way and making me pack on the pounds! It sounded so simple when I first came up with my change of plan.. now I'm worried it -might- not be so easy!

I've got my plane reading.. its a book about YoYo Dieting.. I'm not sure if it will help but perhaps it will have some good tips.. I don't think I'm an emotional eater but I do eat out of boredom and just because things are there.. Ally has been giving me some tips about food too, emphasis on eating slowly and compensating.. its fine to have a treat during the day but not ALL day.. yesterday I tried to keep portions low but did end up having a bubble tea (half sugar and skim milk..and still tasted so sinful!) and a piece of home made pizza :/

I think once I get to the gym regularly I will be a little bit more relaxed about it all too.. I plan on trying some yoga.. maybe a little bit of Zumba..and improving my running time - especially if I want to get around to those half marathons and even marathons one day!

I've also been reading that it's unadvisable to go below 1200 calories a day.. even that amount might be too little.. studies have shown that it can make levels of cortisol - a stress hormone - in your body rise and these lead you to gain weight.. there's a lot of information out there.. and a lot of it contradicts the other.. some people say 'don't weigh yourself every day'.. others recommend you do.. -sigh- who knows what to believe and what to stay away from.. with my tendency to want the quickest fix it's hard to not go for the advice which recommends that I eat 1000 calories a day to lose 2 lbs a week (yess.. goal in less than a month).. but deep down I know that restricting so much is not going to be good for me in the long term..and so I will take the tortoise route.. till then.. loose fitting clothing and Spanx in an emergency!!

I started reading the Beck Diet Solution, it actually only suggests that you follow a diet plan after 2 weeks.. but that you should see changes in yourself much sooner than that because of how it aims to tackle your eating ways.. however, as I don't plan on following a particular eating plan - with the exception of perhaps eating around 1300 calories a day and eating mindfully, I don't think that really applies to me. I'll try to update what it suggests as I go along.

Now with my flight 5 hours away it's probably best I start to dry my hair and put some slap on.. I have to take some passport photos and as I have a bad history with those I need all the help I can get!

xx

An epiphany.

Today I had one. Okay, to be honest, not today, but actually two days ago. There I was, on my 15th day of Atkins, missing more the concept of being normal rather than the actual bread/pasta/rice/chocolates/popcorn at the cinema (you get the idea)..

I was at Ally's university, sitting in lectures, in the library - pretending to be a student but actually reading a book and ignoring the genetics lecture, engrossed in 'Unbearable Lightness'.. a book on Portia de Rossi's struggle with anorexia.

Although (now) I'm at a normal weight, well within a healthy BMI, I do, like most women, want to drop a few pounds. However, what this book highlighted to me, was that my thought processes aren't normal.. I identified with a lot of what Portia was saying and it frightened me. She was honest about what went through her mind, and when I realised that many of her thoughts and even actions at times mirrored mine, it scared me.. unless I changed what I was doing, I could become more and more like that.

After speaking to my sister, an 18 year old bundle of love that is so very wise beyond her years, I decided that carrying on with Atkins (which I'd convinced myself I was doing for my epilepsy) would not, in the long term, be doing any favours for my mental health and could probably speed me along to that eating disorder I was on the brink of.. and I resolved to stop.

I know it's going to be a bit of a journey, I'm that girl that wants a quick fix, South Beach, Atkins, WeightWatchers, those all have seemed realistic to me in the past, but I know deep down that they're not plans for me. Because they're diets, and I'll have to stay on them forever if I want to maintain my healthy weight. They have high success rates for people, otherwise there wouldn't be so many books, so much publicity, but I guess for each person there's something that works, and despite trying these and losing weight short term, inevitably weight crept back on.

I'm in no hurry to lose 40 lbs, I don't need to. But I know that I need to learn healthy habits, I need to rebuild my relationship with food, stop my obsession, because some days its all I think about.. and that can't be normal. I guess I am starting this blog to be accountable to something.. I have already bored a lot of people close to me.. and I guess a lot of them are sick of hearing the same story.. 'this time is different, I'm going to do it..'.. only to see me fail.. it's like Peter and the wolf and I don't blame them for being bored.

Maybe no one will read this, bar a few here and there.. but I'm going to keep writing at least a few times a week if not more, because I hope it will keep me going..and help me monitor my progress.

There is no diet plan I'm following, no secret weight loss foods I'll be eating more of. Quite simply, I want to teach myself when enough is enough, that it's okay to not binge on food (because people will NOT stop making, chocolate pretzel m&m's.. they really will be there tomorrow), and to eat reasonable portions. I want to lose this weight steadily, without deprivation, and without thinking too much about it.. bar of course the time I put in here to log my process.

Exercise of course is essential. But I want it to be my hobby, something I do not to slave away to lose calories so I can eat a bit more apple pie, but just because it makes me healthy, and I love it. As someone who always used to be the last - or second last - person during school runs, it's amazing that I've now learned to love it and that the treadmill is now my favourite cardio machine. I have high aspirations - (for a former non-athlete that is) - a 10K run, half marathons, maybe even a marathon one day - and I want to get myself up to a good fitness level to be able to achieve that.. and no doubt it will help me reach my goals healthily.

Other tools I plan on using are www.livestrong.com to give me an idea of what things are healthy and what foods aren't, as well as exercise tips, as well as reading and following the exercises in The Beck Diet Solution - a form of cognitive behavioural therapy to help me understand why it is I have scoffed and binged in the past.. hopefully these will help - it's worth a shot!

So that's as much as I will write today. I've had cereal for breakfast, some chicken and veg for lunch, and not sure about dinner. I've resisted dessert, I realised I was about to eat it not because I was hungry for it, but for no real reason. However, thats not to say I won't have it later. I just am going to try to not scoff huge amounts, something I am prone to doing. I am going to try my very best.. I'm so tired of the obsession.

I'm feeling really positive and excited about being normal.. lol let's hope I get there.

More progress soon.

x