I am not sure that I will ever be less paranoid. I had a 'snack' today.. a bowl of cereal at almost midnight that I guess I didn't need but maybe just wanted. I automatically put up barriers and got defensive when my other half asked "You're still hungry?'.. I think when people say keep your weight loss as a secret it's one of the best pieces of advice.. you never feel as if you are off the hook when people know that you're trying to slim down.. you feel constantly judged for the choices you make. It's not a fun place to be.
Going out for an Indian I tried to make wise choices, naan bread with no butter, chicken tikka and one seekh kebab. Hadn't really had breakfast (unless you count a banana pre-run at 11 am), but I still have this dislike of going to places where I don't know how much things are, the calorie count, the method of cooking. It makes me nervous, I won't lie. I want to stop thinking like this, I don't know how. I miss having my little sister around and feel as if what Simone said was right, that J is a bad influence, consciously or subconsciously, that his influence doesn't do me any favours. Of course he will argue that he is doing nothing wrong, it's myself..and to a degree it is. What's stupid is that it's not even that he makes me feel fat, every day he has been telling me that I am beautiful, slim etc. I don't know whats wrong with me. Perhaps just in a stupid funk.
-sigh- Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I finished week 5 of my c210K training..tomorrow I do a 5 minute warm up followed by alternating 4 10 minute runs with 1 minute walks and then another 5 minute cooldown.. which totals a 40 min run and 13 minutes of walking. The idea is that at the end i'll be able to run 60 minutes continuously..errrrr not sure about that but I will persevere..
Off to bed now where I will probably lie awake feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I am so obsessed! arrrrgh xx
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