Today I had one. Okay, to be honest, not today, but actually two days ago. There I was, on my 15th day of Atkins, missing more the concept of being normal rather than the actual bread/pasta/rice/chocolates/popcorn at the cinema (you get the idea)..
I was at Ally's university, sitting in lectures, in the library - pretending to be a student but actually reading a book and ignoring the genetics lecture, engrossed in 'Unbearable Lightness'.. a book on Portia de Rossi's struggle with anorexia.
Although (now) I'm at a normal weight, well within a healthy BMI, I do, like most women, want to drop a few pounds. However, what this book highlighted to me, was that my thought processes aren't normal.. I identified with a lot of what Portia was saying and it frightened me. She was honest about what went through her mind, and when I realised that many of her thoughts and even actions at times mirrored mine, it scared me.. unless I changed what I was doing, I could become more and more like that.
After speaking to my sister, an 18 year old bundle of love that is so very wise beyond her years, I decided that carrying on with Atkins (which I'd convinced myself I was doing for my epilepsy) would not, in the long term, be doing any favours for my mental health and could probably speed me along to that eating disorder I was on the brink of.. and I resolved to stop.
I know it's going to be a bit of a journey, I'm that girl that wants a quick fix, South Beach, Atkins, WeightWatchers, those all have seemed realistic to me in the past, but I know deep down that they're not plans for me. Because they're diets, and I'll have to stay on them forever if I want to maintain my healthy weight. They have high success rates for people, otherwise there wouldn't be so many books, so much publicity, but I guess for each person there's something that works, and despite trying these and losing weight short term, inevitably weight crept back on.
I'm in no hurry to lose 40 lbs, I don't need to. But I know that I need to learn healthy habits, I need to rebuild my relationship with food, stop my obsession, because some days its all I think about.. and that can't be normal. I guess I am starting this blog to be accountable to something.. I have already bored a lot of people close to me.. and I guess a lot of them are sick of hearing the same story.. 'this time is different, I'm going to do it..'.. only to see me fail.. it's like Peter and the wolf and I don't blame them for being bored.
Maybe no one will read this, bar a few here and there.. but I'm going to keep writing at least a few times a week if not more, because I hope it will keep me going..and help me monitor my progress.
There is no diet plan I'm following, no secret weight loss foods I'll be eating more of. Quite simply, I want to teach myself when enough is enough, that it's okay to not binge on food (because people will NOT stop making, chocolate pretzel m&m's.. they really will be there tomorrow), and to eat reasonable portions. I want to lose this weight steadily, without deprivation, and without thinking too much about it.. bar of course the time I put in here to log my process.
Exercise of course is essential. But I want it to be my hobby, something I do not to slave away to lose calories so I can eat a bit more apple pie, but just because it makes me healthy, and I love it. As someone who always used to be the last - or second last - person during school runs, it's amazing that I've now learned to love it and that the treadmill is now my favourite cardio machine. I have high aspirations - (for a former non-athlete that is) - a 10K run, half marathons, maybe even a marathon one day - and I want to get myself up to a good fitness level to be able to achieve that.. and no doubt it will help me reach my goals healthily.
Other tools I plan on using are www.livestrong.com to give me an idea of what things are healthy and what foods aren't, as well as exercise tips, as well as reading and following the exercises in The Beck Diet Solution - a form of cognitive behavioural therapy to help me understand why it is I have scoffed and binged in the past.. hopefully these will help - it's worth a shot!
So that's as much as I will write today. I've had cereal for breakfast, some chicken and veg for lunch, and not sure about dinner. I've resisted dessert, I realised I was about to eat it not because I was hungry for it, but for no real reason. However, thats not to say I won't have it later. I just am going to try to not scoff huge amounts, something I am prone to doing. I am going to try my very best.. I'm so tired of the obsession.
I'm feeling really positive and excited about being normal.. lol let's hope I get there.
More progress soon.
x
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